Chimera.

I think as exams are drawing near I'm starting to feel more and more insecure, especially considering the horrendous GPA I got last sem. Although I managed to finish studying this sem (=/= memorizing though) it seems like everyone else is also getting better in terms of time management, studying methods and yadayada. Stress is definitely setting in.. as can be seen from my voracious appetite haha I can already feel myself putting on weight! ):< But I guess it's a good thing that this time round I haven't allowed myself to get sick of studying or even entertain the notion of it despite the constant complaints of being damn sian from my friends, which helps ALOT in keeping me going.

That being said, throwing myself into my notes for the past few weeks did reassure me that I didn't choose the wrong course. There was a period of time I kept feeling like I've lost interest in science, wondering what I was gonna do with my life after graduating and thinking if I should have pursued an arts course instead since I really liked my creative writing elective. But thankfully all those worries aren't worries anymore because I realized I do enjoy my course. It's still daunting to think that we have 3 more years of having to mug so hard for such in depth, complicated... things. And also competing against very smart and hardworking people. But it probably isn't any easier in any other course. As for what I'd do after graduating, I guess I'll let the future worry about itself for now.

But I still feel stupid haha. Like how some guy on brightsparks forum would classify people like me in the 'least intelligent tier'.

I can't wait for exams to end, I want my Bangkok trip with Bee and Xuannnnn.

So I've been talking quite a bit to one of my ex-classmates (well more than usual anyway) and now I feel like I miss 09s73 alot. Not just those in my clique but everyone, even though our class was never as bonded as some others. But I miss seeing them and being around those people I guess, and being in a school with a reading room to call our own and everything else. Nowadays it's such a hassle to think of where to study whenever I wanna study with my friends. Studying with Muay tmrw, and she suggested going back to HC but I doubt it's open! Haha omg we've only graduated for less than 2 years then cannot remember already!

Anyway, to this particular ex classmate I think you should know who you are and I know you still come here though this place's dead like a dodo, cheer up!!(: I wish I could do something to help but unfortunately I don't know how): so yes go and learn and master your guitar/fishing/french skillz cos they are good distractions and useful skills, don't learn them just to act cool la! What can I say, time will heal everything. And you probably don't wanna move on but well, let nature take its course I guess! I'm sorry I suck at consoling haha):

And of course - on a completely unrelated note - exams are coming and I feel the stress setting in, which is a good thing because it helps me get over the inertia to even start studying. 2 weeks left; I think this sem I've been managing my time better. Then again I never know because everytime I feel like I'll do well in something, I end up flunking it.. and vice versa. zz. Strange though, even with the stress I feel like I'm in a very good mood, apart of the sianness of having to spend so much of my time studying that even sitting and talking for like 10 minutes after a meal makes us all feel guilty. I feel this surge of love for everyone in the world HAHA. Yes I love everybody!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13:4

Need to always remember this.

LEAVE ME ALONE. And stop being so rude to my friends. This is getting way too freaky.

Yes, it's true that most people will want others to understand themselves. It's true that it gets frustrating when people don't understand you. But it's a different story when it gets too intrusive - I need my own personal private thinking space too. Doesn't everyone? And most have walls around themselves. Even those who seem completely open with their feelings will definitely walls around their hearts. There are some walls I wished others would tear down, but then there are others that I want to keep people out of. Everyone has their own secrets that they'd only let people they fully trust know. Trust - it takes time to build. You cannot force people into letting you know their secrets.

AND, it gets really annoying when people overthink things I say and try to analyze them. It's nothing, I didn't mean anything. It could have just been a casual remark. You say you're good at analyzing and understanding people, but based on the questions you ask, it seems like you are only considering things from 2 extreme ends. People are not either completely stupid nor completely clever, they're not completely good nor completely bad, they're not completely happy nor completely sad, neither are they completely altruistic nor completely self centered, yadayadayada. No, GREY AREAS, they exist, okay?

Invasive and intrusive, that's the word.

I always say secondary school made up the best school years of my life. Sudden bout of nostalgia from the facebook page thingie, haha. 4/6 was a great class, .. it's just too bad I didn't get to know them better, didn't make the effort to and all, and it's one of the biggest regrets I have from there. I doubt I'll have the chances to anymore too, but I guess I've learnt not to take those around me for granted.

I just needed some time to sort out my thoughts, and I kind of see some light now. I guess maybe she's right, you're someone who's way too complicated, and suddenly I realize maybe I don't understand you at all. But life's too short, so I'm not gonna waste anymore time trying to figure you out. Treat me however you want to, I won't retaliate and I'll still be there for you, but I won't get hurt either.

Maybe this is what they call 'zen'.

Sitting here at home listening to the recorded lectures in preparation for my midterms on Friday, it doesn't even remotely feel like it's my birthday. Haha, but that's fine by me. Like I said, each year the birthday day feels less and less.. Special. I don't feel very much different from when I was 17, truthfully. Though I know that between then and now, I've changed in many ways, good and bad, but still the same person intrinsically, if that even makes sense.

I have to say this year's birthday has been a good one so far, even stretching from last week. The birthday surprises which I never ever expected made me really happy. And today was really funny, I realized everything played out so well for those planning it. Because I was late for lecture, I didn't see the giant bear they bought and lugged to school for me. Since there was a test during lecture today, the LT was completely filled and I had to sit away from them, so I didn't see the bear with them either. And since I decided to pon the lecture after the test and went to the resource room to study, they could set up the surprise at the benches outside after lecture before asking me to go out and "join them for lunch". I guess I was really touched cos there was once I just casually said it's my dream to have a giant bear one day, HAHA, and they remembered it. Didn't expect all of this at all, so yeah, it was very nice(: I shall upload photos of my bear soon ^^

And well, I'm gonna be spending my birthday studying.. Before heading for dinner with the favourite girls. It's raining heavily outside now, hopefully that means that I will fa cai!!! Hahaha.

Birthday aside, I'm forever thankful to have those girls. The little things that they do don't go unnoticed. Thanks Bee for organizing the dinner, and for always keeping me updated about everything in your life. Lum for coming to my school to study with me all the way till 10pm. Xuan for extending my library book loan without me asking you to, cos you knew I was having tests and wouldn't have the time to read. And Ver for always taking the initiative to talk to me when we're both so busy with school work.

I think I'm really blessed(:

Feels like a little part of me has gone, taken away. I knew it was bound to happen one day. Because we all grow up and there are some things we have to let go off eventually. It's a bittersweet kind of feeling actually, where I feel happy but yet there's a tinge of sadness. It's all part of growing up, I guess(:

On a completely unrelated note, insomnia is killing me!!! I will not ever drink the coffee sold at the downstairs of my school again haha.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Maybe I shouldn't expect that efforts will always generate returns.

Then again, wouldn't that just be lowering my expectations, compromising with myself? It's a grey area between being yourself and being reasonable. A very small area where balance is hard to find.

Maybe it's just a matter of luck.